The sheriff deputy came quickly, and I was right. He was not amused. Nor was the other deputy when he arrived, nor the coroner. Festive it wasn't.
They poked and prodded and looked at each other and then at me (WHAT?) and then at the um body again and I began to wonder if they were trying to figure out what it was and if they could change the channel or...
Ok, this is a very rural part of the state, not like Detroit or Grand Rapids, and I have to presume they don't get a lot of washed up on shore bodies around here. Course I am only guessing BUT...
The first deputy was named Andy, I SHIT YOU NOT, and I expected Barney was the 2nd one but no. He was ALSO ANDY. Good God. Then the coroner came and he was Peter Goodwin although I suspected he didn't think this was one.
Sunday night in the boonies. Boy do we know how to liven up a rural area or what.
The ambulance or hearse or whatever arrived after about an hour. Oh good. I had decided I was NOT going to deliver the body, no way Jose. It could just lay out there and rot as far as I...um, probably not a charitable thought. But, I was not in a charitable mood. HOW DARE this, uh, until recently living In TitTee being of sorts or now out of sorts pick MY house to wash up on the lawn of. There are MILES AND MILES of open riverfront but OH NO, Not good enough. FUCK no. Had to wash up on MY lawn. WHY DOES IT ALWAYS HAVE TO BE MY....
Ok, so it isn't like this happens three times a week or anything. Semi-monthly maybe.
Grrr,
Rico had decided I looked like I was about to drop kick the body back into the water and maybe that might not have been such a bad idea and so he had wrapped himself around me like white on rice which seemed to befuddle Andy and Barney and Aunt Bea all to shit.
Yes, Aunt Bea who I am positive was in the back of the hearse making cookies or something.
Then I noticed they kept looking at me and trying really hard to make it look like they weren't. Ok, Chicago PD they weren't.
WHAT? YOU NEVER SEEN TWO REALLY HAWT NEKKID GUYS FUCKING IN THE FRONT YARD BEFORE?
REALLY?
Ok. My my this really IS the boonies.
Okay, you might surmise I was in a mood most foul, and then I looked over at Rose and immediately felt that perhaps I was overreacting. After all she was the one who found it.
ITTTTTTTTTT.
How cute. IT. Like something we picked up at Dollar General and now cannot remember why while wondering what their returns policy is or if they have any and does it still have to be alive to be returnable...FUCK!
Rose was sitting in Billy Ray's lap kinda, and drinking a beverage...and seemed to be doing a bit better.
Rico and I were standing off to one side, and feeling as if this might be a good time to TOTALLY RE-THINK this lovely place in the woods/nether regions...as Ofelia came up.
"Sorta puts a damper on things, eh?" She made a stab at humor and grinning, and failed.
"Oh I don't know, we should be used to this kind of crap by now," I retorted without grinning to be sure.
"Yeh hawney, y'all would think we were but Ah has to tell yah. I AIN'T."
Rico and I looked at each other and nodded in agreement. Then the Andy of county sheriff fame came waltzing/prancing/saunter...he walked up and got right in front of me.
"You mind if I ask you some questions, sir?"
"Oh hell. would you be pissy if I said I did?"
Only thought that of course.
"Shoot," and immediately thought that that might JUST be over KILL. But decided busting out into uproarious laughter at my ability to find humor at times such as these...MAHT jest nawt be appropriate, to said same DE POO TEE.
He didn't skip a beat.
"Did you know the victim?"
"Oh hell we were yucking it up like mad until about ten minutes before he was..." Ok, I didn't say that either.
"No."
"Never seen him before?"
"Not today, not ever before."
"Ok," and he turned to Rico.
"You?"
Rico just nodded in the negative.
"Any idea what he might have been doing out here?"
"Probably not trying to learn how to swim,"
and YES I DID SAY THAT.
Depooty Andy smirked not, nor giggled. I see I may have my work cut out for me, trying to liven him up. Course I didn't do such a hot job on the ahem victim, but.
"Are you living here permanently? I understand you just bought this house and property."
"For now, yes," Rico came alive and spewed.'
(MY thought for now...Give me an hour. I can be as gone as smoke in a windstorm.)
"Okay."
Okay? That's it? Young dude washes up onshore on my property, and THAT is all you can come up with for questions as to WHY?
Good God.
This may be an unsolved case for a VERY long time, I thought.
"Looks like another one for the Redneck Mafia,"
Rose whispered in my ear. That got my attention.
"Oh PULEEZE no," I thought and saw she was grinning all to fuck.
EEEEEEEK!
Yeh, something right about then told me that THIS was NOT going to be one of my better days. Now where have I thought that before.
GRRRRRR.
CHAPTER IX: NOW WHAT?
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